Don't Throw the Baby Out With the Bath Water: Evaluating Parenting Books

Whilst lamenting my latest sleepless night to a friend, she offered to loan me her copy of Richard Ferber's bestselling/notorious book, Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems*. I balked at it, but she said that I might find the section on sleep disorders interesting.  She's a very good friend, so I accepted the book, and let it sit on my nightstand for a little while, looking very incongruous next to Dr. Sears' Baby Book.

Then, one night, after a particularly rough bedtime, I picked it up and started flipping to different sections.  My friend had made the point that, although I might not agree with his methods, Ferber is a doctor, and not just another mom like Elizabeth Pantley.  I was surprised to find that the entire book (it's actually rather hefty) was not all about letting babies cry in their bedrooms.  The section on sleep disorders was quite interesting, as was the section on addressing specific sleep difficulties.  It was the first sleep book I'd read that addressed extended night waking in a productive way, and it gave me a new idea of something to try with DC, who just turned one.  I'm actually quite glad that I read parts of the book. (To be honest, I don't see myself reading the whole thing because I find CIO methods upsetting to read about).

My daughter, AW, is almost three and has always been a fantastic sleeper, so I haven't been doing too much reading on toddler sleep.  On the other hand, there is a growing list of positive parenting books on my Amazon wish list, and I've read a few already.  I've also been spending time reading about approaches to eating, with the desire to help her cultivate a healthy relationship with food. My sister recommended Kids, Carrots, and Candy by Jane Hirschmann.  I didn't agree with everything in this book either (it said that comfort nursing would create unhealthy associations with using food for comfort).  The book recommends giving children free rein over their food choices to allow them to listen to their bodies, rather than insisting on clean plates at every meal.  Free rein isn't completely for us, but we did establish a snack basket and are trying to resist forcing her to eat if she isn't hungry.

I'm glad I read both of these books, even though I didn't come away loving them. They both gave me useful information, but my own parenting style remained intact.  While writing this post, I realized that I use OBC's guiding principles when reading parenting advice, whether in blogs or books, even though I don't word it that way to myself.  Here they are:

1. Trust your instincts.

2. You can’t spoil a baby.

3. If what you are doing is working for you, your partner, and your baby, great! Keep doing it!

4. If what you are doing is not working for you, your partner, or your baby, it’s ok! You can change it!

5. There are no magical times when you must start or stop something.

6. No habit you create now is irreversible.

7. And never forget, trust your instincts!

As you can see, it's so important to trust your instincts.  That should always come first.  I turn to parenting books when my instincts aren't giving me enough information, and I reject anything that doesn't align with my instincts (such as letting a baby cry or refusing to make eye contact with my baby).  Even before I was an OBC teacher and agreed to promote these guiding principles, they aligned with what I believed as a parent, so they are great in helping me decide what advice might be helpful.

*In case you haven't heard of the Ferber method or "Ferberizing," it is a form of cry-it-out (CIO) sleep training, which is recommended against by Our Baby Class.

Building a Parenting Village

At our teacher training, we were asked to share why we wanted to teach Our Baby Class.  Here's my why.

I read the course descriptions, and the courses sounded like they aligned with my ideas about parenting.  I knew all about the awesomeness of babywearing, we practice baby led weaning, and there's no cry-it-out sleep training in my house.

I am a former elementary school teacher turned stay-at-home mom, and could really use just a little bit extra to help with our home preschool expenses and homesteading projects.

But here's why I feel like what I do is actually important.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, two amazing things happened. I took a Bradley childbirth class and I joined an online due date club on the website Diaper Swappers.

Here's why those things were so important.

In my Bradley class, I spent 12 weeks in intimate discussion with 6 other sets of expectant parents.  Bradley classes tend to attract parents who are over-researchers (like me), interested in breastfeeding, and highly motivated to do what's best for their child (more on that in a minute). I became very close with three of these moms, which has been a life saver. We have shared developmental milestones and swapped advice as our children have grown.

The Bradley Babies

Bradley Babies, Age 2

Two August Mamas and two August Babies (just shy of age 2).

In my due date club, we started out with 40-odd expectant moms.  Only three of us were first time moms, and the age range of the moms was wide enough that some of the moms have kids who are college-age.  This was awesome. We were all in the throes of pregnancy and newborn sleep deprivation together. Now, we all have toddlers transitioning from age two to age three, and over 150 children between us.  Some of us have "Post-August Babies."  We talk daily in our Facebook group, and try to meet in person whenever two of us end up in the same area.  The mentorship has been incredible.

Before I met these incredible women, I had a plan.  My baby was going to sleep in his/her own room after six months, and never ever sleep in my bed.  Baby would be on a strict schedule. I was going to breastfeed for six months.  I'd get a Moby wrap and a Baby Bjorn.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of these things.  I would still have been a good mom.

But, my life is richer.  I learned about a wider world of babywearing that allowed me to continue wearing my daughter into toddlerhood.  I learned about babywearing meetings from the August mamas.

One of our first back carries, with a DIY woven wrap

 I learned about the benefits of breastfeeding to a year and beyond and about baby led weaning.  When my son wouldn't stop crying and struggled to latch, one of these moms told me to look up lip and tongue tie.  That revision changed my son, and my life, for the better.  Because of that support, I found out that he was actually a really happy and easy-going baby (who didn't like to sleep and would rather play).

With both sets of moms, we've shared stories and parenting strategies.  When I struggled to process the birth of my second child, these women were there to listen.  When my baby wouldn't stop crying, the Bradley moms held him.  When I had postpartum depression, one of these moms sat with me on my front porch, day after day.

Our first woven wrap--from an August mama

I am fortunate to have these women and to have stumbled upon my parenting village, quite by accident.  But I hear all the time about women who don't.  I hear about women who only get a single view of parenting, when motherhood is filled with rich dimension.  Because I had this village behind me, I had the confidence to follow my own intuition as a parent. That confidence is something I want to share with other moms, the ones just starting this journey.

At MommyCon

I want to provide breastfeeding support for women who want to breastfeed and are struggling.  I want to support the women who just want to feed their babies without judgement. I want to provide instruction on safe babywearing and offer options so that babywearing is only limited by the wishes of the caregiver and child and not by the weight limits and comfort level of mainstream carriers. I want to support maternal instincts in not leaving a child to cry when a pediatrician says it's time to cry it out.  I want to share alternative ideas like baby led weaning instead of baby food and purees so that mothers know they have options. I want to provide a safe space for a mother to share that she hasn't gotten a good night's sleep since the baby was born. I want to give resources to mothers struggling with postpartum depression and let them know that they are not alone.  I want mothers to meet each other and compare notes on their darling little babies.

Guilt-Free Parenting (kind-of)

As 21st century parents, it is easy to burden ourselves with guilt and anxiety about whether or not we are doing the absolute best as parents.  We start making parenting decisions before a child is even conceived, making proclamations about what we would or would not ever do as parents.

Then children arrive.  We find that many of those bold proclamations don't work out the way that we expected.  Or a child cries and cries, and we find that we can't keep our patience.  We find ourselves defending our parenting decisions to family, friends, and even strangers.  The internet is funky like that.

There are the so-called "Mommy Wars," which tend to be more mainstream moms versus the "crunchy moms."  Flame wars erupt on blogs and Facebook posts with moms attacking each other. (I'm focusing on moms here simply because I haven't seen too many dads involved). Even within each "side" of the war, there are skirmishes, mutinies, and other divisive attacks.

Ladies (and gentlemen): Stop.  Parenting is hard enough.  Listen to each other. Be able to say: "This worked for me. This did not work for me. Your experience might be the same or different. As parents, we do what we need to in order to survive sleepless nights and long days."

Here's my own before and after:
Then: "I think I'll probably breastfeed for six months, but I'll definitely stop after a year.  It's creepy when children can ask for it."
Now: We're ten months in (almost), and I have no plans to stop anytime soon. Partially because I've realized there's nothing sexual about it and partially because I've learned that extended breastfeeding is normal in much of the world and the World Health Organization recommends continuing until at least the age of two. I'm also grateful to be able to do this for my child when many women cannot. More on that another time.

Then: "I'll never let my baby sleep in my bed. It's dangerous and establishes bad habits!"
Now: It started by accident. She slept with me because I'd fall asleep nursing her and be too tired to return her to the bassinet.  And then I realized I loved waking up and looking at her little baby face.  At six months, she transitioned to her own room because that's what worked for our family of three (partner input is so important!), but she still sleeps with us occasionally.

I've changed my opinions on many things along the way. Plus, I sometimes lose "crunchy" points because I vaccinate on time and I had a hospital birth that resulted in a c-section.

Luckily, I've found a couple of other moms who help a lot! The three of us can share the good, the bad, and the ugly, and we refuse to judge each other for differing opinions.  We don't all agree on all parenting decisions, religion, or politics, but we have a great time together.  We try to avoid feeling guilty because we know that we are doing the best we can to make the right decisions for our children.

My point is: if we spend less time judging others and attacking them, we might be able to feel less guilty about our own decisions.  The great thing about this is that it works beyond just parenting.  Try listening without judging when you disagree politically or religiously! It's hard. Really, really hard.  But you might learn something.

Why can't we all just get along?

Marriage

This blog isn't about green living, or even completely about being a mom. It's more about being a spouse.  This morning when I was in the kitchen washing up after breakfast, I reflected on marriage advice offered when DH and I were engaged.

We were married in the Catholic church, and that came with many learning opportunities leading up to the wedding day.  Some people offer their sympathy, but it was an incredibly important experience.  I recommend premarital counseling, whether or not you are religious.  It was a little bit like going to school: we had to take a multiple choice test, bubbling in our answers for a Scantron machine. It was a compatibility test. I failed, because I lost my place and mis-bubbled.  The priest sat us down at our next session with a very serious expression as we went over the test.

"Stephanie, I see hear that you do not want to have children, and your fiance does.  This is a very important problem to talk through." I burst out laughing, because I'd always wanted to have children. Clearly, I had become confused by the 80+ question "test." I explained, and then we figured out that the test worked out after all.  There were great questions: about raising children, marital expectations, and whether or not you were comfortable being nude in front of your spouse.  It asked if there were external pressures to marry or not marry.  Almost all of the questions would have been relevant for any couple getting married.

We also had to write an essay about the reasons why we were getting married. It was a great exercise. Not only did it provide material for the homily, but it made us think hard about this major commitment.  We had to discuss what our "breaking point" would be (abuse and extended infidelity).

Finally, we had to attend a class with dozens of other couples.  The class was led by a priest and two married couples.  One couple had been married for 11 years and had two children. The other couple had been married for over 20 years and had 5 children. Both couples emphasized the challenges of the first five years. They didn't sugarcoat marriage. They said it would be hard, and there might be times that you wondered if you had made a terrible mistake.  They said that it would be ok to feel that way, ok to feel frustrated and bewildered.  Both couples said that the first five years were the hardest for them.

This was the best advice we received.  Our five year anniversary is coming up in September, shortly after Abby's first birthday.  There were fights, slammed doors, swearing, and tears.  I'm sure they won't magically disappear after our five year anniversary, but we have learned to argue better. We've learned to fight without hurting each other's feelings and how to talk to each other when we are angry.  When we disagree, we are more productive.  And the disagreements are spread further and further apart.  We have learned that we fight less the more time we spend together. So we put down our phones during meals. We eat breakfast together almost every day to give the day a good start. We cuddle, kiss, and hold hands. We've learned how to express our love non-verbally. We laugh together.  And we never ever tear each other down as parents.  We hung in there through some tough times. I'm sure there will be more tough times in the future.  We still have a lot to learn about being coparents. Disasters and tragedies can happen. But just know, if you can make it to the end of the first five years and come out with a smile on your face, it's completely worth it.

What's your marriage advice, for newlyweds, new parents, or years down the road?